Rejection! A Simple Way to Get Motivated...

This image should be self-explanatory. Why is it that I always feel like I must improve my situation, but end up jumping from "the frying pan into the fire"? Must be a mental condition, or a heart condition.

Motivation:

"Heroes are made in the hour of defeat. Success is, therefore, well described as a series of glorious defeats."
~Mohandas K. Gandhi

Diary:

Someone once said that the longest distance between any two points is from one's head to one's heart.

This last two weeks have been a journey down this path from head to heart and back to head again. I was sitting at the bar, drinking my club soda and water, and looking around the room at all of the people mingling. I started thinking about the people who I hang around with, and then came to a sudden realization that "I am lonely."

While this is not a new concept to me, for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks. For the last few years, I have been happy to be alone, partly because I have had these "projects" to do - chazz vader challenges, fitness, weight loss, new jobs, new learning, saving money, playing music, etc. I felt at the time that I was "building" for something, the way a bird would prepare a nest for it's home.

All of those activities seemed like "head" projects. While I had to get motivated and passionate about working out, eating right, reading, reviewing, planning, and staying consistent to my goals - on days where passion failed me, I could still push on with my body and my mind.

In this solitary moment I had a panic attack. It was a roar deep down from within. It was not emanating from my head, but was a primal scream from my heart. "Why am I sitting here alone?" It felt like I was being punched in the gut over and over again. "What is the purpose for building, if you have nothing to show for it?"


Let's take a step back - how did this happen:

1. Late in 2007, my sister indicated that I should think about adding "new relationship" on my challenge/goal list for 2008. It was something that I started talking about, and wanted to start sharing my life experiences with someone around me who cares and adores me.
   
2. My 2008 New Year's resolution was and still is the following: "Be more social and network with people in and out of work." Part of that is just being friendly, positive and "ok" with meeting new, different people. This is so tough for me and I am unsure that if I can't overcome this fear, how would I ever get to the point to ask someone on a date or whatever?
   
3. My long-time friend Dave B asks me "why not try putting "Chazz Vader style steps into a system to find a mate? Is there anything wrong with trying to make matters of love something to set up in a logical process? I haven't really thought enough about this, but I imagine that many of the books written about "How to find your mate" help people come up with a system to work out the issues. It may be worth a look.
   
4. 4 separate conversations I have had over the last week about this issue came down to the same point - that my successes and failures in meeting women are "Training" for something bigger. It is good to try and fail, because you find out what "Barriers" are out there for singles who are trying to find out who are compatible with each other.
   
5. I also have had conversations this last week about "What makes someone attractive"? Why do people find each other attractive? Why do people love each other? During my heart-searching week, I heard Colbie Caillat's song "Realized":
   

"But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you."

What did she just realize? There was a glimpse of time last week that I thought I got it. Colbie sings that she "took time to realize that I'm on your side and that this all can pass you by." It is so vague - heart feelings - to make them mental realizations - I understood that so briefly. I thought I had a feeling of love, but I guess it isn't enough to feel love for someone when you do realize that they aren't on your side or feel the same devotion or connection to you.

Sometimes it is too easy to say "I love you", without any actions to back it up. Maybe this IS the connection between the head and the heart - the heart feels something and wants to make a change for something, then the head makes a plan to do something about that feeling. That connection back and forth strengthens the heart feeling, and they work together. Maybe I am talking out of nonsense right now.

During that brief encounter with love, I got a glimpse of reasons for someone to be attracted to me, and ironically, there are some of the same reasons that I like who I am.

1. I am funny and I enjoy making people laugh and connecting with others.
   
2. I like to show people how much I care for them - physically through hugs or smiles, or by doing little things or thinking of ways to appreciate people.
3. The "Chazz Vader challenge" experience shows that I can take on a great challenge and see it through to the end. The determination, power and strength it takes to lose 200lbs in today's society. That is attractive and I am proud of it. I plan on using this determination and planning to make other parts of my life better, including devotion to my future mate, whoever that may be.
   
4. I like to find reasons to cheer people on and encourage them. I want to discover new reasons to see why I might love other people.
5. I am smart. I am not a genius, but I do have a great logical thinking mind and am very blessed to be able to work and be productive.
6. I am creative. I like to try new things, appreciate art and music, and I enjoy creative skills in other people.

There is no way to make a list of reasons why I like myself WITHOUT coming across sounding self-centered and arrogant, so I will stop here. On the other hand, if you don't stop and take a moment to look at the things that make you feel good, I think you are missing out on some of the gifts that you are given. I guess I just felt I needed to sit down and right them down, before I started forgetting again.


Back to last Friday night - something "snapped" - something that has been dangling in my heart for a long time finally broke off and is now wanting to be free.

It was the same feeling I had several years ago, the night that I called my sister after looking at pictures of me - overweight and obese - miserable. Hurting inside so much that I couldn't complete a sentence, knowing that I was "meant to be better than this" but unable to see the positive side, I remember that my heart was in pain. The kind of pain that you have when you lose something that you really cared about more than you ever knew you could. That night I made a decision to start taking the difficult steps that I had to take to no longer be trapped by my weight and live with a new sense of purpose. It "snapped" and the next day I told myself "I am now a 300lb man - what do I do today." "How does a 300lb man act, eat, walk and interact?" It was at that moment that I decided not to live like a 500lb man, but to live as if I had already reached my goal. (Now I say to myself "How does a 200lb man act?" in my quest to get down to the elusive mark. It will happen in 2008...) Note to Mike W - I hope this paragraph answers your question "Why did your weight loss plan WORK this time when you had plans in the past?" I think part of it was that my heart had reached it's capacity point when it couldn't sustain the pain of being sad and it forced a change. I know this doesn't make sense, but few decisions about life make sense out of the context of the day the decision was made.

Back to the last two weeks:
This new frustration - this "snapped" feeling in my heart about my social relationship status - in fact this new sense of frustration could be used for good. What kind of person do I want to be? What sort of actions does a man who is bent on romance take? How does he prepare from being a solitary bachelor, to a potential eligible lover-to-be? Like the idea of losing 200lbs, I have a big open future and possibilities are endless. I feel like the start of a new day, a new me is starting to emerge deep deep down.

Who do I want to be today? Where do I want to go? Who will I take with me?
The twists and turns of life are endless. I wouldn't have it any other way.

SIMPLE IS NOT EASY

One of the simple side-affects of the heart issue described above is the benefits of REJECTION. We can try to put together a step-by-step "process" to finding that special someone, but if you don't find that person who cares for you, you might spend the rest of your life trying to convince someone love you who doesn't have the capacity or clearly can't see what they are turning down.

Rejection is our greatest fear that can do the greatest damage to us. Being rejected makes us feel small, worthless, insecure and unwanted. The thing that annoys me most of all about rejection is the lack of honesty and the games that people play to "make it easier." When we are lied to, the feeling of rejection is compounded. I get so angry when someone tells me that I am a great guy, BUT. I would have more respect for someone who has the guts to say what they truly are feeling, even if it hurts.

Why do I mention this rejection topic - well, as you may well imagine - I was once again rejected by someone I felt I cared about and could see a possible future with (of what, is unknown, and will be unknown for now on.) I say "once again" because as a formerly obese 500lb man, I was used to rejection, to the point of just stopping trying because I could imagine the reaction to me making any move toward the opposite sex. It was embarrassing, humiliating, and debilitating. Unfortunately, this social scar still haunts me and I get that feeling in my pit when I meet new people that says "why would this person respect / acknowledge a fat man?" without taking a step back and realizing that I am no longer that fat man. I guess I was just beat up enough that this image has been burned up in my mind. It may take some time to clear up, but that fear of being seen as unattractive is very prevalent in every aspect of my daily life.

If rejection is a curse, confidence is the cure. One way to fix the issue is to balance it out with positive pastimes and activities. If you feel good about yourself then you know some truths about yourself too. You know if you are good at your job, if you are organized, well dressed, in shape etc. The more confident you are, the better you will be able to cope with some forms of rejection.

Maybe now I realize why making that earlier list of "what I like about me" is so important. I guess the thing about rejection that is lost between my head and my heart is "If I am so great, have so many positive attributes and skills, and my "star is rising" - if all of this is true (which I believe it is) - why would someone reject that?"

Is it something wrong with me?
It is something wrong with her?
Is it something wrong with timing?
Is it something that a deity is failing to bless, causing some failure?

I guess I understood when I was obese and miserable and had very little ambition or future path - I can understand at that point in time why I would be rejected and repel the opposite sex, but now I am better, or getting better. The whole problem on this temporal issue feels like a panic issue that has to be resolved NOW! Why? Why me? Why now? Why do other people, who are no better off than I, have relationships that I cannot? Why can't I relax and wait for an answer be presented to me? Why can't I just live with the reality of the situation and be happy, positive, and continue to show happiness to others. This is so difficult for me.

The more I think about these questions, the ones that have no answers, the more I think about another side of Rejection. We may do something to battle Rejection, something on the rebound to exact some from of Revenge. I call this "Internal Rage". This isn't the type "Rage" that exhibits any outwardly physical interaction with others, such as "Road Rage" and "Roid Rage", but instead is a little internal ticker - a metronome that helps me to keep my rhythm going on the projects that I have on my list.

It may sound like a childish attitude, maybe one of "oneupmanship" or a way to "show someone what they have missed". While it would be impossible for me to dispute this fully, it is not the primary reasons for this Internal Rage. Another way to look at Rage is that to help take a negative experience to help you focus and stay motivated for the goals that you have and to re-ignite the dreams and visions that you have about what you want your future to look like. Remembering the quote of the day:

"Heroes are made in the hour of defeat.
Success is, therefore, well described as a series of glorious defeats."
~Mohandas K. Gandhi

So I take a chance to Reset, Refocus, and Reclaim my dreams and plans, using this new Rejection as another driver to keep my level of commitment and vigor high when going after this years goals. I am going to take on the challenge of "dating training" as an adventure in Rejection. This extra push should help to stay accountable to my "baby-steps" approach to self-improvement. (This sounds like I am approaching the process of dating and meeting people as a painful experience, when in actuality, it should be a fun practice. )
So, stay tuned to more information on this front, as I move forward defining this challenge, it's goals and milestones. As always, if you have ideas or insights, please leave me a comment or mail me with some thoughts.

Another great way to get inspired - I watched a movie last Sunday called "300" It is the story of the Persian Empire destroying every army that dared to stand in its path. Xerxes massive army goes against a small Spartan army, lead by Leonidas, who is a strong-willed leader fighter. Though Sparta has no chance of winning against the Persians, the Spartans march on, intent on a stubborn sense of loyalty and determination, because they believe that their fight is more virtuous than sitting back and being sqaushed by fear. These brave 300 warriors eventually fall in defeat to the Persian army, however the actions inspired others to stand and fight.

The movie caught my attention, and I am inspired to fight for what I believe in - which currently happens to be a continued desire to "live healthy", and be in the best physical condition I have ever been in. I am planning on losing more fat, running faster, building more muscle, being more flexible, and looking and feeling better than ever in 2008. BRING IT ON!

The next day I joined a weekly group fitness aptly named "Boot Camp". It was rough, and Karl, my trainer every Monday and Thursday takes his participants through the paces. He mixes it up every session, so we don't know what is next, but we know we will be sweaty and exhausted after the hour is over. These fitness sessions are a journey in "core muscle" training. We do exercises that are meant to expose our weaknesses, and I am finding that I am ripe with weakness. It is very illuminating to see yourself in a mirror doing a move that causes your body to show how out of shape you are. I thought it would be "embarrassing" but it really isn't. It is educational, and inspirational, because I know that after 12 weeks of these training sessions, things will start to get tighter, and after 24 weeks, things will get toned, and so on. I am really interested to see how my body responds to this new experience, as I am confusing my muscles daily with different, somewhat random movements to make it respond and react.

My body is sore - but in a good way. Next weekend, I will update my stats and measurements and share that information here as well.

more later,

Chazz

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz