*#$@?!

Motivation:

WARNING: If you are easily offended or sensitive of curse-words, or if you were born after March 23, 1988, just please skip this section, and especially don't click on the link in this section. You have been warned.

I am pissed. I am working my ass off, but I am still fat. I hate this damn 2006 Challenge. It sucks. I am an idiot for being so fat and stupid. I hate people who suck. I am tired of running every day and still having a ton of flab at the end of my abdomen. I hate looking in the mirror and thinking, "I am not so bad", then seeing the pear-shaped ass and reallizing I am a big loser. I feel like I am kicking ass in my workouts, and my mind feels like it is a thin-man brain, and is making plans and imagines me being a studly, hard-body like that guy in "The Transportor". Then I open my eyes and see a pile of crap who can't fit into a normal pair of jeans.

I smell pizza as I walk down the hallway at work. It smells good. I want to walk into the conference room and knock everyone unconcious and eat their pizza. I hate people who eat pizza and let the smell waft into the hallway where I am walking.

Today's motivation comes from Memphis, as he has captured eloquently exactly how I feel about this whole damn thing. - http://www.geocities.com/memphis1971/poems/whatisthisshit.html

Hey, this is just the way it goes. If you feel offended by the motivation today, grow up. People have these kinds of feelings every day, especially fat people who are feeling the pressure from family, co-workers, friends, and others who don't expect much out of you. Sometimes it is theraputic to get pissed about your condition. (How else do people change?)

Diary:

D: french onion soup, side salad with 'fixins', 1 small lite beer
B: eggs and sausage links
S: protien bar
L: homemade chili, mixed greens, xs, vitamins
S: roast beef slices, provolone cheese, orange
g: eliptical 1.91 miles (yeah!), 378+ calories, walk 1 mile, sauna.

Notes:

Last night I was reminded how glad I am that I quit my job last summer, and am now working as a contractor. I stopped in to get dinner at the watering hole, and overheard conversations of events happening at the old job. It reminded me what was really bad about it.

One big difference that I think about often is the closeness of the workers. It was very common to eat out for Pizza, Chinese, Burritos, Subway, and other places. It was common to go out for drinks on a nightly basis. It was common to do a lot of social events as 'stress relief' activities. We shared each other's dreams and visions of what we wanted to do, and I still consider many of these fine people my friends.

This was both good and bad. Good was the 'family' feel of the relationships. I admired, respected, and often asked opinion of my coworkers. This made going to work fun. The bad part is that some days this was the only reason to go to work when the job felt mundane and my manager overbearing. As the Fat man, the social activities proved to be a catch-22. Do I go to these lunches with my friends, laughing and carrying on, or go to the gym and feel ultimately unsatisfied and left out of the fun?

Now, I am an island. I work in a sea of other contractors, all rather anti-social. No one has invited me to go to lunch, let alone after work for drinks. No one cares if I leave during noon to go workout, as everyone pretty much is to their own schedule and comes and goes when they feel like. I put in my hours, get my projects done, and then leave to do the next task in my life. I have no friendships that require maintenance. This doesn't mean I don't respect my co-workers, but there is no need for a deep relationship, and I am not encouraged to engage socially.

So, I guess part of my release is this Blog. I am somewhat invisible at work, so no-one talks to me about my workouts, my homemade meals, my weight loss, anything. It isn't that they aren't nice people, they simply don't care. They don't know what I am trying to do, and I don't discuss it. There are a few cheerleaders who know about it, but they are over in another area of the building. They check in every now and then, but even they don't talk about progress much.

To compensate for my lack of co-worker relationships, I have to find new or stronger relationships with friends, family, or fellowship groups. I think this is an ok trade-off.

I am overall glad I made the change. For my sanity, my professional development, and my fitness.

more later...

Chazz