who said this was going to be easy... shoot them.

Dear Readers,

Today is the day for the big unveiling of the new measurements, but alas, you will have to wait one more day. For two reasons:

1) I am going to the clinic later today to use their scale. Saturday's preliminary weigh-in confirmed that I have lost enough so far to use the scales at the clinic, which have weight limits that didn't previously allow accurate measurements for me. If I have met my first goal, (losing 56.08lbs) then I should be able to weigh myself on their scale. This is a big deal for me, as I haven't found a scale (except at the hospital in a special room) that I can use for accurate measurement.

2) I got some unexpected news during the Saturday weigh-in that put my in a little backslide. My measurer and weigher will be leaving my corner of the world. She is also my sister. She and her husband, (also a cheerleader for me) have decided to pursue commitments in another state, and are being led by their heart and their head. I have no argument with thier decision, but felt like a brick hit me in the chest, and this weekend I greived as if I found out they had some mortal disease. They were more than just motivators, they were advisors, soul-companions, and they were an essential part of my goals and plans. They posses much of my deep-down desire and pain and have been there for me in the 'worst of times'. Couple of 'bad stories' here to give example to my statement:

a) The day of Christmas Fest a few years ago - my sister, her husband and I were going to attend a christmas choir concert together, but in my depressive state, I ate a package (yes, a whole package) of hot dogs, a package (yes, a whole package) of tator tots, mixed together in a bowl and topped with 1/2 a bottle (yes) of ketchup for dinner the night before. This was the main dish of the meal. A big bowl filled with hot dogs, tator tots and ketchup. I think there were other side dishes and desert, and most assuredly a 2-liter bottle of pop. (Now that I read this, I can't quite believe that this is even possible for a person to eat. How many calories could this possibly be. Over 5000 for sure, maybe over 8000? Wait, here comes the good part...) So back to the christmas concert. We got to the 2-hour show, and sat down with 500 people in attendance. I noticed a girl who I had a crush on in college, let's call her Greta, sitting in the row in front of us. I was very happy to be sitting right here. In my glee, my stomach started growling and churning, and I reallized I wasn't feeling very good. (wonder why...) I started feeling gassy, and then uncontrollably burping. My burps were strange smelling, like rotten eggs, charchoal and toxic waste. It tasted like ground beef that was 2-months old and sitting out. It was uncontrollable. The only way to relieve the pain I was in was to belch, but this was so hideous that none of us could stand it. Worse was that all of these people I knew in college (plus Greta) were seeing and smelling me in all my glory. What a sight...

2) Last summer, I was undergoing food poison, throwing up on the living room carpet, and scared to death that there was something terribly wrong with me. My brother-in-law came over, (did I mention this was 10pm after a long day of work) and helped me to get comfortable and sat with me while I cried like a baby scared that I was going to die alone in my townhome. He brought me supplies and made sure I got to bed. Another glorious site, seeing me in my underwear vommiting and crying. What kind of a man is this? Pitiful, that is what.

Not once did I feel that my sister or brother-in-law had any pity or negative thoughts about me. They never nagged or put me down or even hinted that I was a burden to them. I was always welcome in their home and they were always there if I needed them. They were more than motivators, they were 'champions'. They championed my ideas and plans, hoping for the best. I so much wanted them to be part of the 'best of times', to make that up to them.

It isn't that I can't do this, it will just be harder.


With this news, I grieved, and am still greiving. I was depressed after this, thinking about all the negative things, the dreams and desires and plans that I had that I was going to celebrate with my sister, and especially my neice. I had a lot of goals and motivations surrounding my neice, (goddaughter). I didn't work out, and really didn't eat well or do the program on Sunday, and didn't work out or do the program on Monday, and was contemplating just sliding by today as well. I had already planned on having lunch at an italian place with some co-workers. I didn't think I would have time to go to the gym.

I had a meeting this morning with my client, and one of the"Biggest Loser" cheerleaders was at this meeting. She handed me a paper with today's motivation on it, and told me "You need to think about this." Here is what it said:

What you choose

You can make it happen when you truly choose to do so. You always have, and you always will.

If something is important enough to you, you'll surely find a way. Look back on your life up to this point, and you'll see a manifestation of what you've cared most about.

Now take a look at what you care most about in this very moment. Those are the things you will give your energy and attention to, and those are the things that will surely happen for you.

You are plenty capable of pushing yourself relentlessly toward what you choose. For you do it every day and you've had a lifetime of practice.

The big question is this. What exactly do you choose?

Whatever it is, whatever you truly care about in your heart of hearts, you'll find a way to make it real. With that in mind, always choose the very best you can imagine.

-- Ralph Marston

That was like a splash of cold water in the face. I reallize what a selfish snot I was being. I am capable of pushing relentlessly toward the goal. Time to get back on that horse. No-one ever said that life was going to be easy or that that challenges would present themselves. Goals and Dreams can be shattered, but those are by-products of the Heart. The Heart is much bigger and stronger than mere dreams, and can create new ones. I had to just get a little push to remember that.

Then, God put his hand into the mix today. I did go the gym to continue my workout today, and what was the first song on the mp3 player? "You Found Me" by FFH. Here are the lyrics:

I've got nowhere to turn, I've got nowhere to hide, and I've got no alibi.

You've been following me, you know my history, and no matter how hard I try,

I can't explain away, the way I feel today

There's only one thing I can say:

You, You've found me.

You found me and You called me from the wilderness,

From my cave of emptiness,

Yeah, You, You've found me.

You found me in the places of my lonliness

You told me there was more than this,

You captured me with tenderness,

Yeah, You've found me.

There was so many days, trying to figure out ways to explain what I feel inside,

I tried to fill up my soul without using control, this desire never did subside,

I'm ready to give in, I know I'll never win

The hide and seek that I've been in

In the pit of despair, I was all alone there.

I wasn't looking for You, but You found me anyway.

You put Your hand on face, then you changed my ways.

Nothing can separate me from...

You, You've found me.
You found me and You called me from the wilderness,
From my cave of emptiness,
Yeah, You, You've found me.
You found me in the places of my lonliness
You told me there was more than this,
You captured me with tenderness,
Yeah, You've found me.

Got it! Over and out.
Chazz is back in business. Bring it on!

tommorow we will unveil the measurements and calculations from Saturday, plus the current status, new goals and the ongoing countdown for the 2006 Chazz Vader Challenge!

more later.

Chazz